This post is going to be a little different to my usual posts. I didn't just start this blog to talk about all the fun I have in my life. I wanted to show the good and the bad. My illness is there, all the time, whether I'm having fun or not. The pain and discomfort is there all the time, 100%. There will be a part of every day where it is unbearable. Sometimes this may only last an hour or so. Sometimes the pain will come in a wave when I'm sat in a lecture or when I'm out with friends, and I'll just have to ride it out. Then it will pass and I'll be fine until the next wave comes. Sometimes it will last all day and that's that.
It's not all a good time. I intended to write this blog to show the good and the bad, but what I definitely don't want to do, is make every single post about what a hard life I have - because that certainly isn't the case. I do, however want to make it honest - like everyone, my life is an equal mix of good and bad - they're my stripes! I'm either white with black stripes, or black with white stripes.
When I've done a load of fun stuff, I don't really want to kill that post by talking about how ill I am in - I do, seem to end all the posts with a brief moan about how tired I am, and that's true!
I felt like today was a good time to blog a little about 'the ugly' because I'm tired, and not feeling the best right now and just feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
I spent most of last week in pain, throwing up and keeping nothing down which wasn't what I needed. Somehow, I didn't miss any uni or work. On Thursday night, I came downstairs, with a puke bag, hot water bottle and blanket so that I didn't wake Samuel up and I could have a bit of space just to be ill. When Sam came down in the morning I let him get ready for uni with absolutely no plans of getting off the sofa. Then I remembered how much I do not get Forensic Linguistics, and that I'd already missed last weeks lecture to attend the PORT day, so I whizzed some jeans and a hoody on over my pyjamas and headed out the house. On Friday night I had to dose myself up, and get the doctor to prescribe me additional painkillers which knocked me high. Things have started to settle down a little bit since then so hopefully this week will be nicer.
On Thursday, I realised that PGCE applications are fast approaching and I don't have my primary experience sorted yet, which put me in a bit of a breakdown over my future. I planned to get my primary classroom experience sorted last year, but then I ended up focusing on my health after my admission last year. That took a while to build up my stamina again, whilst adapting to the worsened affects of my illness. Then as soon as I was able, I had to go back to work to top up my savings for the next academic year. I'm so worried about my future - I've already been pushed back two years because of my health and now I'm going to end up back another year.
This year I get less student finance, because apparently third years don't have the same living costs, so that's meant that I've had to work two days a week. I was really lucky to get offered those two days at work, because it's a job that I do enjoy, know well and I'm really grateful for that opportunity when I need it. But it's really tiring doing a job in Blackpool whilst living in Ormskirk. I initially started by staying at home for those two nights, but the last two weeks I've decided to commute because living out of a bag is just stressful. I have all my uni work here in Ormskirk - it's too much to carry back and forth every week - and so by living here I can do work on Mondays and Tuesdays. I know many people work jobs whilst at uni, but many people don't have to commute, and many people don't have this illness, so those things just make it a little harder.
Then I'm in uni on Wednesdays and Fridays, leaving Thursdays and weekends free - but they're never free, they're always busy as hell - to get my work done, attend appointments and catch up on the rest of life. And rest. On top of that, my Mum is moving house and I have all my stuff to go home and pack and not a single day free to go home and pack it.
I just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. I have loads of things planned all the time - fun things and compulsory things - I'm feeling pretty drained from it all.
I'm really wanting to just take a step out of life for a week and hibernate so that I can have enough energy to face these busy full weeks.
I'm hoping that this opportunity to try TPN comes around soon, and gives me a little more energy to cope with all that's happening. I know my calorie intake is absolutely crap at the moment and that is probably contributing to my poor energy levels. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to keep up with uni work in hospital again, and how I'm going to cope with being out of work whilst I'm in hospital - but I've done it before and so I know I can do it. It's just additional worries.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my dissertation supervisors this afternoon, so I took the afternoon off work. But it got cancelled at the last minute so I drove back to uni and just climbed into bed and remained there for the rest of the day.
Not looking for sympathy - I just want to blog about all aspects of my life with stripes, and this is how I feel right now.
On a positive, on Thursday, I went to go and see Hamlet (with the Cumberbatch!) live streamed from the Barbican at the Vue - which was great! If you get the chance to go and see it, please do because it's amazing.
Back to those busy week and this week I am going horse riding on Thursday night - which the girls got me for my birthday, then to see The Wombats in Liverpool on Friday night with Katie, and then I'm driving down to Hampshire on Saturday to attend Jenny's Mad Hatters tea party and see my Auntie and Uncle in Woking.
I wouldn't have it any other way - I'm just crossing my fingers that I can manage it all. I don't really see any time off/rest time on the horizon. Sometimes, I like to do 'just holding on until... and then I can rest' but I don't really have anything like that coming up in the forseeable future so I just have to keep rolling with it for as long as I can.
Blogging is good therapy.
Bed time, I'm up at 6am for the long drive to work!
♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒
Monday 19 October 2015
Tuesday 13 October 2015
The number one dream: Swimming with Sharks
I have no idea how to do this post justice or what words to write here. Saturday was quite literally the best day of my life! Everyone has one thing that they want to do above all else. If you could wish for one thing, what would it be? I'm incredibly lucky, because on Saturday mine came true and I swam with sharks.
When I was 14, and spent all of my time in bed or hospital feeling extremely poorly I made a list of things that I wanted to do. It was sort of the opposite of a bucket list because it was things that I really wanted to get better and do. Some of the things on my list were as simple as going out with friends and I also had going on holiday, learning to walk again, getting my GCSE's, A-Levels, a degree (nearly there!), skydiving, going to Blue Planet. At the very top of my list was swimming with sharks. It was my absolute dream because I loved sharks. I would watch documentaries and youtube videos and read magazines all day and through the night when I was unwell. It started as something therapeutic, because, you know, sea is relaxing. And then just developed into a real interest and love for sharks. I joined the Sharks Trust and loads of people sent me videos of their captures swimming with all different kinds of sharks and relayed their stories to me and I couldn't get enough. I would always talk about swimming with them and people would say 'you wouldn't really do it though would you? Would you really do it?'
Yes - I would really do it and I would give my left leg (to the shark, obviously) to do it. If I could go back to my(younger)self, struggling through a rough night of being ill, with sharks on my TV, dosing in and out and show myself what happened on Saturday - I don't even know what I would have done.
It was touch and go up to the last minute, as head and safety decided to enter the occasion only four days before and request a doctors note if it were to go ahead. The lovely Steve, our favourite shark keeper, kept us in an 'unofficial slot' and said it was ours whether we used it or not, and if not he'd open up a new slot as soon as we had the go ahead. He was an absolute knight in shining armour and we wouldn't have even been in that tank if it wasn't for all his efforts. So, at the final hour Dr Jones and his secretary got all the relevant paperwork signed and whizzed it over to us in time for the dive! As soon as that was through, I could relax and look forward.
I was pretty tired the night before as I'd been at the PORT charity day but I was SO excited that I still struggled to sleep all night. The same goes for nights since - my brain has just been too buzzing from it all to switch off. We arrived nice and early, because... we were ready nice and early, obviously and went for a look round the Sealife Centre before our dive. It was really busy, as it was when we did our feed a few weeks ago, and so it was difficult to get round it properly. It's always busy this time of year because the illuminations are on, and with it being cold people who holiday in Blackpool want to do indoorsy things.
Anyway, we met Steve 15 minutes before we were due in, changed into our wetsuits and then headed through to the enclosure. I don't think I have ever climbed into cold water so quickly. The whole experience went so quick but I was absolutely ecstatic from start to finish. I wish I could breathe underwater because coming up for air was such a distraction. I was rubbish at holding my breath and got out of breath really quickly which meant I had to catch my breath before going down again but oh my word, what an incredible experience I had. Seeing the sharks so close - they came right up to the net - was absolutely breathtaking (y'know, if I wasn't already holding my breath). Seeing them up close is such a different experience to seeing them through the glass. The feel of them brushing past and the waves and vibrations of them being right there, in the same water as me. It was so amazing. Boris the bowmouth shark was absolutely enormous and extremely curious. I think seeing him up close was my favourite part, and I think I'm going to say the bowmouth might be my new favourite shark. Most people only get 15 minutes on the swimming experience but Steve had given us a special slot and we were allowed to stay in for 40 minutes! I really don't know where the time went - it was the most amazing 40 minutes of my life. All that I imagined and more and I am even more in love with sharks than I ever was. If you ever get the opportunity, please do it - you will not regret it. The sharks are really graceful, and curious things and it is such an awesome thing to do.
By the time our 40 minutes was up, I was absolutely freezing but I still did not want to get out. When Steve said that the next bunch of swimmers would be arriving soon Sam and I took a big breath and went and sat on the bottom of the cage one last time - I held my breath for as long as I possibly could and tried to savour every view of the tank and all the sharks. It was absolutely wonderful.
When I got out, Mum kept asking me - 'What next?' - well it's going to take some topping, that's for sure. It doesn't matter so much what is next, because right now I am the happiest, luckiest girl in the world. I've achieved my biggest dream and there really is no better feeling - there isn't really anywhere you can go from there. It's just the best place to be. I haven't stopped watching the videos and looking at the pictures and I've just generally been trying to relive it all every moment since then.
I really do wish I could show 14 year old me these pictures because I would have cried. Here is a short video that my Grandad took from the shark tunnel. I love the moment where my Grandma tells a stranger 'That's my Grandaughter! And her boyfriend!'
On Friday I went to a PORT charity day - the amazing charity that Sam and I fund raised for back in July - and I got to meet lots of lovely new people suffering from rare bowel disorders like me. There are only a small handful of us and there was a wonderful atmosphere of understanding and empathy. Everyone in the room knew themselves or had witnessed what it was like to be 'someone like me'. I had gone down on my own, with an early morning and some stressful trains and so I was a little tired and didn't manage to get round and socialise as much as I would have liked but it was still really great to be a part of their first education and support day and it was also wonderful to meet Sue, who runs the charity and also Adam and Lesley, who I've known for about 7 years but never met. The talks given by the consultants were really good and informative and I learned an awful lot from the day. Sue put a huge amount of work into organising it, so I'm sure she was relieved to have a 'sit down' when it was all over but it really paid off and it was a very successful day! I hope there is another one again at some point.
I had a rest day on Sunday as the horse riding was booked up - we're now going on Wednesday. It was a much needed rest day though as I was absolutely exhausted. Sam and I went into Southport to pick up some 'gender specific' (Shhh!) items for Emily's baby from click&collect and we had a little mooch around the shops. I picked up an enormous batch of soup from Sophie who has basically, been providing all of my food since I went liquid and it is delicious.
I've stayed in Ormskirk the past few days and commuted to work which in some ways was easier because it meant I wasn't living out a bag for two days, and some ways more tiring because... early mornings. I'm exhausted now. Beyond shattered. This actually seems to be the way I end most of my blog posts - y'know, just writing about how tired I am. I have loads of uni work to get done so I am going to try and rest and get that done this week. I'm in lectures tomorrow 9-1 and then I have the afternoon off so I plan to do nothing and catch up on all my uni work. For now though, bed time! Night night! xx
It was touch and go up to the last minute, as head and safety decided to enter the occasion only four days before and request a doctors note if it were to go ahead. The lovely Steve, our favourite shark keeper, kept us in an 'unofficial slot' and said it was ours whether we used it or not, and if not he'd open up a new slot as soon as we had the go ahead. He was an absolute knight in shining armour and we wouldn't have even been in that tank if it wasn't for all his efforts. So, at the final hour Dr Jones and his secretary got all the relevant paperwork signed and whizzed it over to us in time for the dive! As soon as that was through, I could relax and look forward.
I was pretty tired the night before as I'd been at the PORT charity day but I was SO excited that I still struggled to sleep all night. The same goes for nights since - my brain has just been too buzzing from it all to switch off. We arrived nice and early, because... we were ready nice and early, obviously and went for a look round the Sealife Centre before our dive. It was really busy, as it was when we did our feed a few weeks ago, and so it was difficult to get round it properly. It's always busy this time of year because the illuminations are on, and with it being cold people who holiday in Blackpool want to do indoorsy things.
Anyway, we met Steve 15 minutes before we were due in, changed into our wetsuits and then headed through to the enclosure. I don't think I have ever climbed into cold water so quickly. The whole experience went so quick but I was absolutely ecstatic from start to finish. I wish I could breathe underwater because coming up for air was such a distraction. I was rubbish at holding my breath and got out of breath really quickly which meant I had to catch my breath before going down again but oh my word, what an incredible experience I had. Seeing the sharks so close - they came right up to the net - was absolutely breathtaking (y'know, if I wasn't already holding my breath). Seeing them up close is such a different experience to seeing them through the glass. The feel of them brushing past and the waves and vibrations of them being right there, in the same water as me. It was so amazing. Boris the bowmouth shark was absolutely enormous and extremely curious. I think seeing him up close was my favourite part, and I think I'm going to say the bowmouth might be my new favourite shark. Most people only get 15 minutes on the swimming experience but Steve had given us a special slot and we were allowed to stay in for 40 minutes! I really don't know where the time went - it was the most amazing 40 minutes of my life. All that I imagined and more and I am even more in love with sharks than I ever was. If you ever get the opportunity, please do it - you will not regret it. The sharks are really graceful, and curious things and it is such an awesome thing to do.
By the time our 40 minutes was up, I was absolutely freezing but I still did not want to get out. When Steve said that the next bunch of swimmers would be arriving soon Sam and I took a big breath and went and sat on the bottom of the cage one last time - I held my breath for as long as I possibly could and tried to savour every view of the tank and all the sharks. It was absolutely wonderful.
When I got out, Mum kept asking me - 'What next?' - well it's going to take some topping, that's for sure. It doesn't matter so much what is next, because right now I am the happiest, luckiest girl in the world. I've achieved my biggest dream and there really is no better feeling - there isn't really anywhere you can go from there. It's just the best place to be. I haven't stopped watching the videos and looking at the pictures and I've just generally been trying to relive it all every moment since then.
I really do wish I could show 14 year old me these pictures because I would have cried. Here is a short video that my Grandad took from the shark tunnel. I love the moment where my Grandma tells a stranger 'That's my Grandaughter! And her boyfriend!'
On Friday I went to a PORT charity day - the amazing charity that Sam and I fund raised for back in July - and I got to meet lots of lovely new people suffering from rare bowel disorders like me. There are only a small handful of us and there was a wonderful atmosphere of understanding and empathy. Everyone in the room knew themselves or had witnessed what it was like to be 'someone like me'. I had gone down on my own, with an early morning and some stressful trains and so I was a little tired and didn't manage to get round and socialise as much as I would have liked but it was still really great to be a part of their first education and support day and it was also wonderful to meet Sue, who runs the charity and also Adam and Lesley, who I've known for about 7 years but never met. The talks given by the consultants were really good and informative and I learned an awful lot from the day. Sue put a huge amount of work into organising it, so I'm sure she was relieved to have a 'sit down' when it was all over but it really paid off and it was a very successful day! I hope there is another one again at some point.
I had a rest day on Sunday as the horse riding was booked up - we're now going on Wednesday. It was a much needed rest day though as I was absolutely exhausted. Sam and I went into Southport to pick up some 'gender specific' (Shhh!) items for Emily's baby from click&collect and we had a little mooch around the shops. I picked up an enormous batch of soup from Sophie who has basically, been providing all of my food since I went liquid and it is delicious.
I've stayed in Ormskirk the past few days and commuted to work which in some ways was easier because it meant I wasn't living out a bag for two days, and some ways more tiring because... early mornings. I'm exhausted now. Beyond shattered. This actually seems to be the way I end most of my blog posts - y'know, just writing about how tired I am. I have loads of uni work to get done so I am going to try and rest and get that done this week. I'm in lectures tomorrow 9-1 and then I have the afternoon off so I plan to do nothing and catch up on all my uni work. For now though, bed time! Night night! xx
Monday 5 October 2015
Third year starts here...
This week was my first week of third year lectures. Both modules that I picked for this semester seem interesting so far, I've just got to see if my enthusiasm holds out for 9 more months. I've picked Language and Gender, which I have on a Wednesday morning and Forensic Linguistics which I have on Friday in the morning for an hour and then a four hour gap (?!?!?!?!) and then back in again in the afternoon for another three hours.
I think out of the three years, third year had the most interesting modules to choose from. Next semester (that starts in January), I'll be doing Psycholinguistics and TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) which I'm also looking forward to. I'm also hopefully going to start volunteering at a school all day on Thursday meaning I'll be busy every single day of the week which is probably going to be quite hard work. Hopefully it will be fun though and I'll enjoy it. I'm definitely going to have to work extra hard to get through this year! I'm already feeling pretty tired after my first week of working and uni so I'm tucked up in my bed writing my blog and watching The Big Bang Theory with the cat. #YOLO
So, I'll just catch up on this week. I travelled back to uni straight from work on Tuesday. I left work an hour early because there was a introduction soirée thing on Tuesday that everyone on the course was invited to. I also found out via email a few hours before that I got the highest mark on the course last year. And so for that, I won a Waterstones voucher and I've already treated myself to this cute little mini book lamp.
I went a pretty funky shade of red when I received it, but it was really nice to win something. I was exhausted after last year, but I think everybody was!
During the week, when I wasn't in uni, I had a pretty quiet time (I needed it) and even stayed in when the girls went out on Wednesday night because I was so tired. I dropped off a car of drunks at the SU bar and totally felt like their Mum... or Gran.
My gappy Friday turned out ok because I went to the new Starbucks in town and drank coffee and did some reading and then I went back to the house, rested and did some more reading with the radio on. It was actually quite a manageable day. The break was good because it wasn't really long enough to do anything proper so it forced me to rest, which is something that I just don't get to do (as much as I like to talk and tweet about sleep/rest all the time, it really is just a distant dream!)
This weekend I went on a really lovely ramble with Irwin and Sammy. We found a ramble online in 'Churchtown' that we thought we'd do, but when we put it in the satnav we realised it wasn't the local Churchtown. How can there be two Churchtowns in the PR postcode? So, instead we went for a roam around Formby - through the forest, climbed the sand dunes (my favourite thing ever since I was about 10) and had a little paddle in the sea. Started and finished with a brew in our favourite Formby pub!
On Saturday night we went for a meal at our favourite restaurant, Villaggio Cucina, with friends and then we went to see the Musical Fireworks in Southport (which we've now seen 3 years in a row - Sam probably even longer. I highly recommend them but don't pay to get in! You can see and hear perfectly from Rotten Row) and finished the night off with a drink in the new gin bar. I ate a little bit of gluten free pizza which is the first solid meal that I've had in over a month and I suffered quite a bit during the night and I'm only just starting to recover. So that has sucked a bit. But apart from that the fireworks were great and it was a really good night with friends.
Sunday wasn't too exciting; we went to Church in the morning and then to see Sam's sister who had hurt her back earlier in the morning. So we took her sunflowers and Maltesers, because that is obviously the best thing for it! Get well soon Emily!
Back to work again today and I'm so bloody tired. I'm probably going to go to bed right now. On Friday I'm going to be going to a PORT education and support day in London at The Wingate Institute of Neurogastroenterology. There's going to be lots of other people 'like me' there, so it will be nice to get to meet them. It will be especially nice to meet the lovely Sue who co-runs the PORT charity which Sam and I raised funds for with our sponsored run - the day has been funded and organised by the charity and is going to be wonderful and special opportunity for sufferers of these rare conditions. I'll blog all about that when I'm back and recovered. I'll also hopefully be blogging about my shark dive (!!! YES !!!) which, fingers crossed, all goes ahead on Saturday and horse riding with the girls on Sunday - I'm going to be shattered!
Goodnight! xx
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