Angry Rant

I never intended to do anything like this on my blog, but what the hell, it's my blog and I think I've absolutely lost the plot now anyway.

If you ever get the 'opportunity' to recieve the 'help' from this specialist centre. Don't. Run for the fucking hills and don't look back.

Here I am, two and a half weeks, in more pain from the tests and drugs they've put me on with absolutely no plan but to sit here and keep getting worse. I'm exhausted, I haven't had any sleep in about a week because I've just been in too much pain. I've been working my ass off trying to get all my work done for uni and my interview and I'm not really sure what for because what is the point in trying to enjoy a life like this? I always fought to live my life because I thought it was absolutely worth it to achieve things but I'm really struggling to understand why it's worth it at the moment because I feel like this is the last place to end up - one of the only two specialist centres in the country and they can't help me. I don't have that little bit of hope any more.

The plan for admission was to trial TPN - which I have put off considering for a whole year, since I got sick last year because it's an awful thing to end up on. Eventually I said 'let's try this!' and then I came here and they fannied about. One person says it's the right thing to do, another person says it's the wrong thing to do and the third person says you're screwed if you do and you're screwed if you don't. I don't want to go on TPN. Ever.

So the vague decision was made this morning to probably not do TPN. But with no other fucking plan but to sit here and wait to be seen by someone else who 'has a busy diary'. I'm in agony and I have no pain relief. I feel sick and I can't tolerate my feed. On Friday, there was suspicion that my jej extension had migrated back into my stomach so I was on reduced feeding over the weekend. Yesterday I had an x-ray to check its position and I haven't heard the results but I don't really care any more since I'm not tolerating my feed anyway. I didn't bother to ask at ward round. I don't care and I don't trust anyone here.

I just want to come home, and at the moment I'm contemplating self discharge because they have done nothing for me here but make me hurt and put me in a bad mood.

Sorry this is an awful update but this is how things are at the moment.