This post is going to be a little different to my usual posts. I didn't just start this blog to talk about all the fun I have in my life. I wanted to show the good and the bad. My illness is there, all the time, whether I'm having fun or not. The pain and discomfort is there all the time, 100%. There will be a part of every day where it is unbearable. Sometimes this may only last an hour or so. Sometimes the pain will come in a wave when I'm sat in a lecture or when I'm out with friends, and I'll just have to ride it out. Then it will pass and I'll be fine until the next wave comes. Sometimes it will last all day and that's that.
It's not all a good time. I intended to write this blog to show the good and the bad, but what I definitely don't want to do, is make every single post about what a hard life I have - because that certainly isn't the case. I do, however want to make it honest - like everyone, my life is an equal mix of good and bad - they're my stripes! I'm either white with black stripes, or black with white stripes.
When I've done a load of fun stuff, I don't really want to kill that post by talking about how ill I am in - I do, seem to end all the posts with a brief moan about how tired I am, and that's true!
I felt like today was a good time to blog a little about 'the ugly' because I'm tired, and not feeling the best right now and just feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
I spent most of last week in pain, throwing up and keeping nothing down which wasn't what I needed. Somehow, I didn't miss any uni or work. On Thursday night, I came downstairs, with a puke bag, hot water bottle and blanket so that I didn't wake Samuel up and I could have a bit of space just to be ill. When Sam came down in the morning I let him get ready for uni with absolutely no plans of getting off the sofa. Then I remembered how much I do not get Forensic Linguistics, and that I'd already missed last weeks lecture to attend the PORT day, so I whizzed some jeans and a hoody on over my pyjamas and headed out the house. On Friday night I had to dose myself up, and get the doctor to prescribe me additional painkillers which knocked me high. Things have started to settle down a little bit since then so hopefully this week will be nicer.
On Thursday, I realised that PGCE applications are fast approaching and I don't have my primary experience sorted yet, which put me in a bit of a breakdown over my future. I planned to get my primary classroom experience sorted last year, but then I ended up focusing on my health after my admission last year. That took a while to build up my stamina again, whilst adapting to the worsened affects of my illness. Then as soon as I was able, I had to go back to work to top up my savings for the next academic year. I'm so worried about my future - I've already been pushed back two years because of my health and now I'm going to end up back another year.
This year I get less student finance, because apparently third years don't have the same living costs, so that's meant that I've had to work two days a week. I was really lucky to get offered those two days at work, because it's a job that I do enjoy, know well and I'm really grateful for that opportunity when I need it. But it's really tiring doing a job in Blackpool whilst living in Ormskirk. I initially started by staying at home for those two nights, but the last two weeks I've decided to commute because living out of a bag is just stressful. I have all my uni work here in Ormskirk - it's too much to carry back and forth every week - and so by living here I can do work on Mondays and Tuesdays. I know many people work jobs whilst at uni, but many people don't have to commute, and many people don't have this illness, so those things just make it a little harder.
Then I'm in uni on Wednesdays and Fridays, leaving Thursdays and weekends free - but they're never free, they're always busy as hell - to get my work done, attend appointments and catch up on the rest of life. And rest. On top of that, my Mum is moving house and I have all my stuff to go home and pack and not a single day free to go home and pack it.
I just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. I have loads of things planned all the time - fun things and compulsory things - I'm feeling pretty drained from it all.
I'm really wanting to just take a step out of life for a week and hibernate so that I can have enough energy to face these busy full weeks.
I'm hoping that this opportunity to try TPN comes around soon, and gives me a little more energy to cope with all that's happening. I know my calorie intake is absolutely crap at the moment and that is probably contributing to my poor energy levels. I'm feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to keep up with uni work in hospital again, and how I'm going to cope with being out of work whilst I'm in hospital - but I've done it before and so I know I can do it. It's just additional worries.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my dissertation supervisors this afternoon, so I took the afternoon off work. But it got cancelled at the last minute so I drove back to uni and just climbed into bed and remained there for the rest of the day.
Not looking for sympathy - I just want to blog about all aspects of my life with stripes, and this is how I feel right now.
On a positive, on Thursday, I went to go and see Hamlet (with the Cumberbatch!) live streamed from the Barbican at the Vue - which was great! If you get the chance to go and see it, please do because it's amazing.
Back to those busy week and this week I am going horse riding on Thursday night - which the girls got me for my birthday, then to see The Wombats in Liverpool on Friday night with Katie, and then I'm driving down to Hampshire on Saturday to attend Jenny's Mad Hatters tea party and see my Auntie and Uncle in Woking.
I wouldn't have it any other way - I'm just crossing my fingers that I can manage it all. I don't really see any time off/rest time on the horizon. Sometimes, I like to do 'just holding on until... and then I can rest' but I don't really have anything like that coming up in the forseeable future so I just have to keep rolling with it for as long as I can.
Blogging is good therapy.
Bed time, I'm up at 6am for the long drive to work!
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